For a long time, I thought that the suffering I felt could not radiate beyond myself.
It was forgetting my relatives. How can a mother, father, brother or sister look at it?
I realized during my recovery that they were suffering too.
As if this bubble of suffering was bursting little by little and made me see the sad reality.
I realized how hard it can be for a mother to watch her daughter die.
I realized how much my loved ones may have suffered, differently, but as much as I did.
When I became aware of this reality, when it came to me, I burst into tears, my pain was even greater than the one I had felt when I was suffering so deeply.
Because if I hurt myself, I never thought I’d hurt others. I wanted to punish, hate, hate, dislike, deny but certainly not my family to whom I care so much.
I quickly realized that they all forgave me. The joy of seeing me alive again, laughing again, eating again, not crying every day, was enough for them to smile again too, to be less afraid of tomorrow which was never certain.
So there was only one person left to forgive: myself.
But how can I grant myself this forgiveness? How can I forgive myself for hating myself so much?
Throughout my journey, what I have understood is that to succeed in forgiving yourself, you must first understand the disease, understand that you have the right to suffer, understand that nothing has been put in place voluntarily.
I am not responsible for my pain.
And then to finish, I wanted to apologize to my body.
I could almost tell it: “I forgive myself, and you, can you? Can you forgive me for all the harm I’ve done to you? This omnipresent hyperactivity, the one that has made you so tired?”
I know today that it still doesn’t forgive me 100%, it still makes me pay for it, in its own way. It still makes me wander from appointment to appointment, from endocrinologist to cardiologist.
But I now know that with time and little by little, I would gain its trust again.
And its forgiveness, then, will be the end point.
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