My dear Mathilde,
I know you’re scared and I’m sorry. I know you’re in pain and I wish I could have avoided you. I can’t erase this pain, nor can I completely reassure you, but I can make you a promise.
I will never let you down again. Never again. I promise you that.
I’m sorry I hurt you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you earlier, I’m sorry I didn’t do what I wanted, I’m sorry I destroyed you to shut you up because I didn’t want to hear anything. I’m sorry, Mathilde, I’m so sorry.
I feel your little heart beating deep inside me, panicking, twisting with anguish. But this time, I promise, I won’t give up. Not that. This time I’ll go all the way. I won’t let anyone get in your way.
You didn’t deserve that, this violence, this violence, the empty stomach, the cold, the torn arms, the heart burning with hatred and pain. I should never have done this to you. But I felt like I had no other choice, you know? I felt stuck, cornered. I think I was even more scared than you were. It was too unbearable to have to reconcile what you were telling me with what I was hearing elsewhere. I wanted to succeed, you know. To be the best because I thought that’s what was expected of me. I was told it from all sides. You have the ability to do that. That’s all they could see, actually. My ability. I was a potential. Someone in the making. I could have, no doubt. Maybe do a prep, probably have a journalism school, shine who knows. But at what cost?
Today I don’t want to anymore. Today I make the decision to listen to you, your little voice telling me please be happy. I promise you, we’re gonna be happy. I promise I won’t turn around this time.
You know, today it hurts me to have hurt you so much. I feel this suffering that is always there, sometimes so violent that I prefer to feel the burning of the raw flesh on my arms rather than the dull and immense pain of my heart.
This morning it hurts even more to feel so misunderstood. I would like to scream in anger so that people can hear me. So we can hear you. A few months ago I would have backed down. I would have ignored your calls for help. But this time not. This time it’s over. This time I’ll take your hand. I promise Mathilde. I promise we’ll make it. I won’t let you down again.
Today, I want to apologize to you. But above all, I want to say thank you. Thank you for staying anyway. Thank you for waiting for me.
It’s gonna be okay, you know. I promise you, this time I’ll make it.
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