This morning, I put a jean on. It was the jean I wore when I was anorexic. Too small, too tight, I could not button it.
And without even expected it, my sickly thoughts overwhelmed me: fat, restriction, working out, running, crying, running away, disappearing.
All of a sudden, my cheeks looked huge, my complexion too bright, even my fingers looked chubby.
Rather than letting my dysfunctional behaviors taking control over me, I sat down, and I started to look at my body.
This body hit by the illness, by the scars of a surgical operation due to the aftereffects of the undernutrition, the stretch marks, the dry skin, the cracks.
These scars are the evidence of my path, of my past life and still my current one.
This pain, this hurt.
Rather than focusing on those stretch marks, as a proof of what I have done to my body through all these years, I see the story they tell.
I took some weight since.
Obviously, my size of jean has changed.
“I do not wear a 12 years old jean while I am 30.”
I won, I won at life, I won the freedom.
The freedom of not being tired a few minutes right after I ate my breakfast. The freedom of being able to hang out at night with friends without feeling guilty if I have a lunch date planned the next day. The freedom of not wondering if people find me too skinny. Or if they do see my thinness. The freedom of not counting anymore. The freedom of being able to sleep.
This “too small” jean, how could it contain what I have gained and earned?
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So, to you, my body, I am sorry.
I am so sorry I have been fighting against you during all these years.
Today, you are helping me telling my story.
It is not what I would have expected from you but this is our relationship now.
You are not “perfect” but neither I am.
“ Today, I put a jean size “30 years” on, and I spent… a normal day.”
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